Marked Safe From Splitting
The single best thing I have ever done for BPD recovery is learning how to control my impulses and NOT act on destructive behaviors while splitting. This effort can single-handedly change the course of your healing journey (and LIFE!) turning the tides from what used to be the same devastating outcomes over and over, to things actually looking up and work out in your favor for a pleasant surprise.
Of course, this is also one of the hardest, and most time-consuming parts of recovery because it REQUIRES PRACTICE, and simply cannot be done just once to be "healed" forever. It is a perpetual and continuous effort daily to stay "on top and ahead" of your own mental and emotional states, and having plenty of coping skills and healthy distraction methods in place if/when a trigger pops up.
Some things to remember when splitting:
DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK! You could be entirely wrong, PAUSE & WAIT before acting "as if" your worst fears/trauma voice is true. More than often it's not what you think, but if you act on it you may regret it later - so the best thing to do is nothing. EXCEPT COPING SKILLS!
This too shall pass. Every bad feeling is temporary! I know it feels like "forever" when you're going through it. And that can make the intolerable even harder - hence why we need healthy outlets to move that energy out and get your mind focused on something else until it does pass.
A lot of times splitting happens when we don't get our needs met in other areas, like: are you getting enough sleep? Have you been eating enough food (good, healthy food and not foods that trigger inflammation or anxiety?) Have you been overdoing it on caffeine or substances that maybe need some moderation? Are you spending enough time outdoors in fresh air and sunlight/touching grass?
(Don't laugh! Touching grass is literally a healing method called "grounding" that holistic practitioners use) Have you been making enough time for self care and hobbies that make you happy? When was the last time you genuinely belly-laughed? These are daily maintenance skills that can help prevent splitting by keeping your Vulnerability Factors low.
Are you being challenged to "Trust" right now? This can be scary if you have a lot of betrayal trauma in the past - and there's nothing I can say to make it easier, because the process itself requires surrender, but just keep holding on. Maybe you will be surprised and your trust will be rewarded!
What happens if the urges got the best of you and you acted on it? It happens... here's what to do:
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! Adding shame to shame NEVER makes a situation better. You are human, and learning, just like everyone else in the world. And whatever didn't work to prevent this, is just more info for you. Now we know we need to find something else that will be more effective.
Make apologies to whoever needs it. In the moment you may have felt like they "deserved it" -- but when the split is over, and you realize even if there's some truth, there's no need to be hurtful and you can recognize when things went too far. This is a sign of maturity to realize this! And it's even more mature to apologize - and it's the right thing to do - then lead that into a healthy conversation about what happened so you can reach conflict resolution. If you said things that were hurtful... understand it may take the other person some time to forgive. That's natural, allow them space if they need it and don't use it as a reason to punish yourself further.
Hey, apologize to yourself too! We can become very hard on ourselves during splits and become self destructive. Use this time to be extra caring for yourself, like reparenting your inner child. Do some healthy self reflection, and make amends with your own brain again. Ask for another chance to do better! Every day you wake up is another opportunity!
Take a break for a while and focus on you. Don't worry about social media, social outings, or anything other than the essentials until you reach a somewhat stable baseline again. Coming out of a split can be extremely disorienting especially if it resulted in damages, what you need to do is reduce the amount of demands at the moment so you can focus on what's really important.
If you really can't stop spiraling, please don't be afraid to reach out for help or seek professional services.
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And remember it's a journey, never stop trying, keep believing, keep hoping, and keep making small steps every single day. You got this!!!!! I believe in you!!!!
Love,
Liz
The BPD Specialist