BPD and Employment
As someone with BPD I struggle with employment. Regular "jobs" feel like exact replicas of high school, being forced to socialize with people I don't trust or feel comfortable around, dealing with cliques, gossip, politics, a$$ kissing, and inevitable retaliation or harassment...
and it drains me to the point where my work/life balance severely struggles, to the point where I can't even show up on time, my social battery is at 0, and all I have energy for is the task itself.
On the flip side though, I LOVE TO WORK! I love to create, build, and do tasks... I am a task master, and when I hyper focus on a project, I put my all into it (hence my huge pile of notebooks of writing about my special interests)
But, I struggle with turning all of that work into a product that can be packaged and sold and turned into a business which would actually help people. The very thing that would also help ME escape the high school workplace environment which creates so much shame and embarrassment.
People with BPD are neurodivergent individuals who actually do have a lot of value to offer the world. With our unique perspectives, passionate energy, hyperfixations/special interests, and untapped talents, we have the potential to free ourselves from the shackles of living a life that feels devoid of meaning if we can only get past that initial challenge of finishing our work and putting it out there.
When we alchemize our big emotions into a product or project, we can create something that can not only change others' lives, but our own life too. And we deserve to have a "piece of the pie" that other people eat from who have established themselves as a business owner and entrepreneur.
One thing we can't escape from is the fact that we need money. Trust me... I hate this late stage capitalism world we live in. But we can't escape it. So how do we work WITH it? Either way, they're BOTH hard. Getting a "regular" job is hard for us, starting a business is hard too. But one keeps you in shackles and the other has the potential for limitless freedom... I think I know which "hard" I would rather choose...
So I'm starting this group for anyone who relates and feels the same. Anyone with a passion, talent or knowledge that wants to escape the rat race and join me in challenging myself to finally put meaningful work out there, join my Facebook Group: BPD Business Babes & Bosses! We can support each other and celebrate our milestones, remember why we're doing it, and hold each other accountable.
Remember just because you may have certain struggles in areas of your life doesn't mean you're not still worthy of success and freedom. Literally if *anyone* can start a business and free themselves, why not you? Why not me?
Maybe I'm being incredibly petulant because I really am so sick and tired of constantly starting over from job to job and I'm doing this out of spite. Either way, whatever it takes. lol. I'm tired of survival mode with nothing to show and more workplace trauma that I honestly don't need in my life anymore.
Hope to see some of you guys there!
Tips To Prevent Harm While Splitting
People with BPD struggle in relationships, including friendships. It's actually one of the main criteria in the DSM-V clinicians look for in order to be diagnosed (meeting 5/9 symptoms): "unstable relationships due to idealization/devaluation (also known as Splitting)" but one thing for sure is that this happens as a result of many factors, mostly trauma, and it's almost NEVER intentional or planned.
BPD gets a really bad rep because of Splitting, and there's no doubt it's one of the hardest symptoms to live with because of how detrimental it can be in relationships with people you truly love and care about deep down. One day you're in love... the next you feel like you're fighting for your life against your biggest opp.
I want to reiterate again that this is NOT an intentional manipulation or planned out punishment with pre-cognitive motives or objectives (aka revenge/retaliation). It's almost ALWAYS reactionary to a trigger that caused the BPD brain to shift from feeling safe and happy to suddenly feeling unsafe, unloved, and uncared for, and the nervous system goes into fight ("I have to defend myself") or flight ("I have to get away from this person/push them away first")
In my experience, Splitting feels a lot like psychosis, because of how sudden and extreme the shift in reality and understanding of the people in your life change. What helps me is remembering that psychotic episodes are TEMPORARY, so I become EXTREMELY mindful to not make PERMANENT decisions in this state.
People with BPD are often aware of this problem and in my experience, are often willing to take accountability and seek help for it. This is one of the reasons I advocate and believe in people with BPD that WANT to Recover, because it takes a lot of courage and maturity to acknowledge... and it IS possible to heal and improve this symptom with a lot of work and consistent effort.
That's not to say your feelings aren't valid or justified either, though. Many times the reasons we Split are because of some kind of wound/rupture in the relationship that made you question this person's trustworthiness or intentions. Many times this might be a miscommunication that never got addressed or it triggered a fear of repeating cycles that previously ended in great pain, and the trauma develops hypervigilance to even the smallest resemblance of the worst case scenario.
BPD is a trauma-related disorder (it can be neurochemical or comorbid with other diagnosis that exacerbate symptoms) so the person's relationship history may involve previous abuse, domestic violence, childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and more... which means these triggers open up landmines that rooted way before you even knew the person.
This is why it's important to get in therapy/do the independent work to get to the bottom of why it keeps happening so you can truly process the pain safely without harming someone who didn't contribute to it.
While we may not be able to control when we Split, we ABSOLUTELY can learn to control WHAT WE DO WHILE splitting, to avoid further damage or losing the person we care about.
**** Tips to Prevent Harm while Splitting ****
1. Recognize it when it happens: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you notice a shift, DONT JUDGE YOURSELF, simply OBSERVE the shift and write it down. Keeping a journal is a great way to track your moods and thoughts. The more you journal, the easier it will be to recognize your own patterns.
When those black and white thoughts start popping up, you know you may be entering a Split, and self awareness at this stage can help prevent destructive behaviors that usually follow intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings.
2. Acknowledge the urges: BPD is a condition of "extremes" that means the urges that appear while Splitting might match the level of rage, hurt, pain or perceived betrayal. These urges can look and feel violent, when the brain is overloaded with stress and you go into "Reptilian brain" mode the prefrontal cortex is temporarily shut off - and survival mode is on: so it can feel like life or death, with urges to match.
Whatever you do, do NOT act on these urges. Whether those urges are to hurt yourself, hurt others, cause property damage, engage in risky behaviors, impulsive and unsafe behaviors... ACKNOWLEDGE that you feel them, do NOT shame yourself, your body is responding as if your life is in danger and feels there's no other option. Sitting with the awareness of it is the first step in managing it.
3. Release the energy constructively: cry, scream, lay in bed for days, go for a walk, throw sticks in the woods, throw rocks in a lake, chop wood... whatever you have to do to get that energy out rather than store it up. Write, create art, sing, play an instrument, listen to music, watch a movie that matches your urges (sometimes watching someone ELSE act it out can be a cathartic release) and talk to someone safe who won't judge you or shame you.
4. When the extreme feelings go away, (and they WILL because ALL feelings are temporary!) Then, it's time to "Evaluate the Environment" to look for ways it can be prevented or managed better for you
* Vulnerability Factors (these are factors that make you more likely to get triggered)
- are you getting enough sleep?
- are you getting the nutrients and vitamins you need from a healthy diet?
- do you have financial stress?
- do you have obligations or responsibilities that feel too big or overwhelming but may be neglected and looming in the background?
- are you getting enough fresh air and sunshine?
- when was the last time you laughed genuinely or had fun? Do you feel safe with anyone who may be able to join you?
- are you under work or family stress?
- are you taking your medication as prescribed?
These factors can impact your "vulnerability" to triggers and addressing them one by one may help you feel more stable day to day.
* Triggers (these are the specific events that directly preceded the Split)
- make a list of everything that you KNOW triggers you
- keep track of how many times this trigger is popping up in your life. Triggers can be ANYTHING, and are unique to the individual/relationship. If your specific triggers are manifesting or popping up in 10+ different forms, I no longer consider them "triggers" anymore, I actually call them "Hauntings" because it feels like a malicious entity is tracking you down and trying to hurt you on purpose. When a trigger becomes a "Haunting", it can lead to more serious psychosis and should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
- what can you or the other person do to reduce exposure to these triggers?
* Urges (be honest with yourself about what you normally do in response to a trigger or a haunting.)
- sit down and write out all of your urges. Notice any patterns that pop up. They almost always follow a pattern like clockwork.
- be honest about how acting on these urges provide you relief. Even harmful behaviors have a "payoff" and that's why we keep doing them.
* Consider the Cost (the short and long term consequences of acting on the urge)
- now look at what acting on the urge is going to cost you. If you have a pattern, you probably know how it will turn out, and it almost always ends in regret. It can be super difficult to resist the urge when the immediate payoff is relief, but the long term consequence is harm. Doing this exercise will help train your brain to be more mindful of the moment, and resist the instant gratification of impulsive harmful urges.
5. Communication (how we handle the conversation and reach resolution)
- it's important to learn how to communicate our needs/feelings when rupture occurs so that we don't sweep it under the rug lest it build up over time and explodes later. "I think, I feel, I need" rather than "You did, You didn't, You are" statements. Try to avoid blaming or accusations, and focus more on what YOUR needs are when communicating. If the other person cares about you and values the relationship/friendship, they will work with you and together you can begin to Repair.
6. Surrender & Detachment (for YOUR benefit)
- The hardest part is not hanging on to the pain or narratives that form while Splitting. Many times we worry so much about things we can't control anyway, and surrendering to this fact helps prevent neurotic or psychotic impulses to control things beyond our own boundaries. Detaching from painful narratives that don't serve you help you keep peace of mind and semblance of control.
7. Self Care (what can you do for yourself?)
- remember that you are worthy of love and care no matter how big your feelings are or how intense those urges can be. You are still a person who deserves to feel loved and cared for, and that starts with how you treat yourself. What can you do for yourself today that will make your life a little bit less stressful or more comfortable? Every single self care behavior counts, no matter how big or small.
Of course none of this is easy and it takes time to get in the habit of doing. But the end goal for ALL people with BPD is to learn how to maintain healthy relationships and avoid abandonment/self betrayal. Remember that your diagnosis is not a life sentence and you DONT have to keep repeating patterns forever.
You are worthy of love and safety and you can learn how to be a loving/safe presence for the people who love you too. No matter how hard it gets, never stop trying, always keep faith that it will get better, and take care of yourself when you need it. I believe in you and you're not alone.
The Sweetest Thing
This Just In: Forehead Kisses DO Indeed Cure Spiraling Thoughts!
Favorite Person Appreciation Post <3
Marked Safe From Splitting
The single best thing I have ever done for BPD recovery is learning how to control my impulses and NOT act on destructive behaviors while splitting. This effort can single-handedly change the course of your healing journey (and LIFE!) turning the tides from what used to be the same devastating outcomes over and over, to things actually looking up and work out in your favor for a pleasant surprise.
Of course, this is also one of the hardest, and most time-consuming parts of recovery because it REQUIRES PRACTICE, and simply cannot be done just once to be "healed" forever. It is a perpetual and continuous effort daily to stay "on top and ahead" of your own mental and emotional states, and having plenty of coping skills and healthy distraction methods in place if/when a trigger pops up.
Some things to remember when splitting:
DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK! You could be entirely wrong, PAUSE & WAIT before acting "as if" your worst fears/trauma voice is true. More than often it's not what you think, but if you act on it you may regret it later - so the best thing to do is nothing. EXCEPT COPING SKILLS!
This too shall pass. Every bad feeling is temporary! I know it feels like "forever" when you're going through it. And that can make the intolerable even harder - hence why we need healthy outlets to move that energy out and get your mind focused on something else until it does pass.
A lot of times splitting happens when we don't get our needs met in other areas, like: are you getting enough sleep? Have you been eating enough food (good, healthy food and not foods that trigger inflammation or anxiety?) Have you been overdoing it on caffeine or substances that maybe need some moderation? Are you spending enough time outdoors in fresh air and sunlight/touching grass?
(Don't laugh! Touching grass is literally a healing method called "grounding" that holistic practitioners use) Have you been making enough time for self care and hobbies that make you happy? When was the last time you genuinely belly-laughed? These are daily maintenance skills that can help prevent splitting by keeping your Vulnerability Factors low.
Are you being challenged to "Trust" right now? This can be scary if you have a lot of betrayal trauma in the past - and there's nothing I can say to make it easier, because the process itself requires surrender, but just keep holding on. Maybe you will be surprised and your trust will be rewarded!
What happens if the urges got the best of you and you acted on it? It happens... here's what to do:
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! Adding shame to shame NEVER makes a situation better. You are human, and learning, just like everyone else in the world. And whatever didn't work to prevent this, is just more info for you. Now we know we need to find something else that will be more effective.
Make apologies to whoever needs it. In the moment you may have felt like they "deserved it" -- but when the split is over, and you realize even if there's some truth, there's no need to be hurtful and you can recognize when things went too far. This is a sign of maturity to realize this! And it's even more mature to apologize - and it's the right thing to do - then lead that into a healthy conversation about what happened so you can reach conflict resolution. If you said things that were hurtful... understand it may take the other person some time to forgive. That's natural, allow them space if they need it and don't use it as a reason to punish yourself further.
Hey, apologize to yourself too! We can become very hard on ourselves during splits and become self destructive. Use this time to be extra caring for yourself, like reparenting your inner child. Do some healthy self reflection, and make amends with your own brain again. Ask for another chance to do better! Every day you wake up is another opportunity!
Take a break for a while and focus on you. Don't worry about social media, social outings, or anything other than the essentials until you reach a somewhat stable baseline again. Coming out of a split can be extremely disorienting especially if it resulted in damages, what you need to do is reduce the amount of demands at the moment so you can focus on what's really important.
If you really can't stop spiraling, please don't be afraid to reach out for help or seek professional services.
----
And remember it's a journey, never stop trying, keep believing, keep hoping, and keep making small steps every single day. You got this!!!!! I believe in you!!!!
Love,
Liz
The BPD Specialist
BPD Snapshot
Borderline Personality Disorder is a medical definition and framework for patterns of specific individual suffering.
Unstable sense of self. Rollercoaster relationships. Rage. Impulse control. Self destruction. (To name a few.)
The symptoms and criteria that define BPD paint the picture of a person who is struggling in essentially all major aspects life:
Relationships with others and with themselves, physical and emotional control of oneself, impacting ability to meet responsibilities or maintain goals with work, school, family, friends, hobbies, career, etc., which effect how one ultimately views life and the world around them, severely impacting their sense of purpose and hope for the future.
These negative aspects create an internal environment of instability and emotional vulnerability, which manifest externally in recurring problems, issues, and conflicts that threaten the individual’s well-being and peace, which lead to more impulsive behaviors that result in more suffering, and perpetuate a cycle that can feel extremely difficult to escape alone.
This results in the individual feeling enormous amounts of shame, ineffectiveness, and incompetence, leading to emotional or physical codependency on others, which can pave the way to toxic relationship dynamics that only exacerbate existing patterns of suffering.
While people with BPD can experience feelings of happiness, joy and elation too, the presence of other unmanaged symptoms or unprocessed trauma may quickly interfere, making progress feel short-lived and temporary. That is why in order to effectively “heal” and recover from the suffering that results in Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms, the individual needs long-term, consistent supports to accommodate sensitivities and decrease exposure to triggers and other environmental or internal factors.
Not to mention, comorbidities and other underlying conditions or diagnosable disorders can be impacting the individual’s ability to address the needs neccessary to reduce sources of patterned suffering.
The end result of these cycles is a set of “symptoms” that the medical and psychiatric community define as a “Personality Disorder” - which is merely a big-picture categorization of the manifestations and consequences of said suffering.
It is NOT a definition of your worth or value as a person, nor is it set in stone as final prognosis for what you are or aren’t capable of changing and altering.
Many people with BPD report feeling their emotions with such extreme intensity which make them difficult to manage or control. When these strong feelings occur, focusing on ‘anything else’ can feel impossible. Rather than viewing this experience as a selfish indulgence, understand that the somatic experience for the individual is a very real physical response wherein the body becomes flooded with stress hormones inducing a trauma response from their nervous system.
The body, and the brain, recognize the presence of these intense emotions as a real sign of danger or threat - so, encouraging or telling the individual with BPD to try to change, ignore, temper or deny their feelings rather than providing them a safe space/outlet can actually do way more harm than good in the long-term. Acceptance means recognizing that these responses should not be shamed or punished as they are the result of the person’s natural survival instincts manifesting somatically, and are not conscious choices.
Identifying the sources, causes and triggers for these big emotional responses is an important step in designing a plan to reduce exposure to them, which will lead to decreased opportunities for reactive behavior, and put an end to the cycles that lead to so much emotional, mental and physical suffering, so they can create a life that is peaceful and be able to achieve career/personal/relational goals they so dream of.
When suffering ends, symptoms can’t co-exist.
- When you know who you are, you won’t meet the criteria for unstable sense of self.
- When you learn skills that improve relationships, you won’t meet the criteria for unstable relationships due to splitting.
- When you process the underlying grief and trauma behind the anger, you won’t meet the criteria for inappropriate rage/anger issues.
- When you learn to control your impulses, you won’t meet the criteria for impulsivity.
- When you learn healthy coping skills and distress tolerance, you won’t meet the criteria for self-destructive behavior.
- And when you start to see these changes and how your efforts are positively impacting your quality of life, you won’t meet the criteria for suicidality because life will no longer be something you’ll need to escape from. Building resilience is possible.
The goal to “heal” BPD is to reduce suffering in all aspects of life that have led to or reinforced negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that contribute to the manifestations of these symptoms.
It is the ultimate journey of the SELF to be able to shift and manage one’s own experiences both internally and externally toward living in safety, peace, and comfort to be free from suffering. While no ‘other’ person can do this for us, we can support each other and provide a place of safety and non-judgment for all steps in this journey.
YOU ARE STILL WORTHY OF LOVE, ATTENTION, CONSIDERATION AND COMPASSION.
You Can Heal
Reminder that you can heal from BPD.
You can manage your triggers/reactions and you can grieve/process pain in a safe & healthy way, until it doesn't hurt anymore.
You can make lifestyle adjustments that lead to more peace and serenity, and stay away from chaos & uncertainty.
You can conquer your fears, little by little, one by one, until one day the same fears aren't so crippling anymore.
You can learn new communication skills, adapting to what's needed in each individual connection, until speaking your needs and advocating for yourself isn't so hard.
You can become sober, no longer dependent on substances to help you get through the day, and no longer running to them at night.
You can become celibate, no longer giving your body away to people who don't deserve it, and wait for a connection that feels safe enough to open up to - or not - you can find freedom in making choices that feel right to you.
You can stop beating yourself up for your mistakes, being gentle with yourself when you need grace, you can always get up and try again, and integrate the lessons that you've learned.
You can rewire your thinking process by repeating new, loving, healthy, safe, and non-threatening words to yourself, you can affirm the good things about you and focus on them.
You can find purpose in life by doing things that inspire you, make you feel good, become motivated, making life less empty, or learn to enjoy the stillness and find rest in the quiet.
You can find healthy outlets for your feelings rather than taking them out on yourself or bottling up til they explode. You can become a creator, rather than letting it take over and becoming destructive.
You can learn to be self sufficient and depend on yourself rather than others, and/or learn how to ask for help when you need it for the things you can't do alone.
There is always hope. As long as you wake up to a brand new day, you have hope for a better life. The journey may not be easy, but it's worth it, for YOUR own quality of life - because you DO matter, and you ARE capable. It's just about discovering these capabilities one by one and getting back up and keep trying. Keep your head above water and keep swimming!
#BPDAwareness #BPDAwarenessmonth #BPDRecovery #MentalHealthAwareness
The BPD Paradox
This is the most accurate BPD description I've seen online. Let's unpack what each of these things mean, and talk about how to solve them:
"It's a disorder that craves love, but it doesn't understand the meaning of mature love."
First; I want to point out that there is NOTHING pathologically dysfunctional about this. EVERYONE wants love, but many people with BPD grew up without a strong understanding or concept about what "healthy love" is. Love is the epitome of all that is GOOD and LIFE-GIVING: Healthy/Mature love is Patient in times of trouble or great need, Compassionate when you need help or reassurance, Kind when it's easier to be mean, Celebrates your victories without envy or jealousy, Supportive and willing to extend effort and energy, and Laughs with you, Cries with you when you need empathy, and Encourages you when you forget all the good qualities and potential that lives deep inside you. Every person needs this, we are communal beings who thrive best in community. No person should have to go through this life alone.
"It's a disorder that seeks relationships, but it doesn't grasp the dynamics and limits of healthy relationships."
This is because of the lack of healthy relationships they witnessed and experienced as children. When we don't have a model of what healthy relationships truly look like, it forms a belief that "this is normal for everyone" and then go through life repeating the maladaptive behaviors and negative beliefs that continue to repeat until someone comes along and breaks the schema that was deeply embedded in their subconscious. This requires challenging what you think you know about relationships, allowing yourself to be teachable and open to a new way of relating to others. The key to mastering this is to becoming more adaptable and flexible in your thinking. "The ones who survive under challenging conditions are the ones who adapt."
"It's a disorder that yearns for proximity, but it doesn't trust the sincerity of anyone who gets too close."
This might be obvious, but it's because of that subconscious introject that developed because the people who were closest to them ACTUALLY WERE NOT safe, trustworthy, or loving toward them. So the person learns that people are "unsafe" and while they crave for love and connection, they also have a deep fear that it's going to turn out just like everyone else - resulting in a MAJOR cognitive dissonance of wanting love but being deeply afraid of being betrayed, abandoned, and abused by it. Because they haven't developed trust or faith in other humans, the person may begin to hate themselves for wanting something that is so normal and neccessary for survival. They may want to abandon themselves and everything that makes them human, as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. The consequence of this is even more lonliness.
"It's a disorder that begs others to experience its suffering, but it cannot see that this is the very reason why it continues to suffer."
The deep lonliness of keeping people at arm's length while still yearning for connection may result in seeking connections through unhealthy means, bonding over shared trauma responses and numbing the pain with self destructive behaviors. Since the introject of Healthy Love hasn't developed, the only way of connection becomes Unhealthy Love - so they may feel more comfortable in chaos and abuse because it's familiar. They may gravitate towards people who confirm their negative beliefs about themselves/the world because it won't challenge them; but challenging these beliefs are neccessary in order to experience Healthy Love. Challenging beliefs is a very long journey that will be full of discomfort, but you HAVE to leave your comfort zone in order to break through to the other side. "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
"It's a disorder that desperately seeks liberation from the outside, but it doesn't realize that transformation comes from within."
Because of the lack of support and encouragement that should have developed in childhood. When your childhood/early teen experiences are full of invalidation, it creates self doubt. Doubting yourself and then having those negative beliefs confirmed is how people begin to abandon themselves. But ONLY YOU can change this. It requires reconnecting to yourself, your heart, your soul, and learning how to be YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. At some point you have to stand up and say "this is MY life, and MY life matters" and do the work to challenge the negative beliefs that have been holding you in cycles of self sabotage and self hate. No one else can ever do this for you. You deserve a safe community of supportive people who will be there for you while you learn how to get back on your feet and empower yourself, without becoming envious of you taking your power back. Stay away from ALL narcissistic individuals because this is something they will never be able to do for you.
"It's an existential insecurity that cannot believe in the power of accepting itself, because it was not accepted when it began."
Re-iteration of everything I said above ^
"It's an anachronism searching for an idealized form of attachment."
This is because they're looking for an unconditional love that will witness them and all their flaws, and still never leave. If you're surrounded by toxic, selfish individuals who see your needs as a burden, this desire can never be fulfilled. Wanting and hoping and yearning for a savior to rescue them from repeated patterns of abandonment is completely natural. No one wants this. When you can't find it in other people, my friends, I cannot sugar coat this truth: this is when you can only run to GOD who will "Never leave you nor forsake you." What humans cannot do, GOD CAN. This is WHY people cling to their Faith when everything on the outside seems like it is in turmoil. Developing Faith in a higher power is a cognitive skill that will keep you strong even when your circumstances look bleak.
"It's desire without a solution, and loneliness without resolution."
We need public advocates for healing and encouragement because AWARENESS IS THE SOLUTION. You can't know what you're not exposed to - so speaking up about solutions, helping each other through understanding, and inspiring people to lead with faith is how we can provide solutions to those who are suffering silently that may not have access to therapy or money for expensive life coaches. Social Media can be an amazing tool to reach a large audience of people and deliver messages they may not have ever heard from anyone in their life.
"It's pain and terror cloaked in a bouquet of artificial flowers."
The pain will end. The terror does not have to last forever. One day, when you have escaped harmful environments, and you set firm boundaries with toxic people, go NO CONTACT with ALL of your abusers, you can create enough distance for your heart, mind and soul and discover exactly what your soul always needed - PEACE. Peace is the result of being safe from harm or threat, and that includes harmful beliefs that live in your own mind.
It takes TIME, these are solutions that DO NOT happen overnight - but they are POSSIBLE if you KEEP TRYING, NEVER GIVE UP, and NEVER SURRENDER to pain. You are worth loving, you are worth fighting for, and you are WORTHY OF A LIFE OF PEACE. Keep hoping, keep searching, and you will find it. And I will never stop speaking up until this message goes worldwide
Don’t Leave Me
A major BPD trigger is when the people they love/trust threaten to leave them or pull away. This usually happens during conflict or argument, and is particularly distressing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.
The abandonment wound can trigger a BPD person with abandonment trauma into extreme crisis. This can become a medical emergency for at-risk BPD individuals with a history of severe trauma and behavioral issues like property destruction, self harm, addiction, etc.
Oncoming medical emergencies can be spotted with visible signs like crying and screaming, but with BPD the feelings are intensified and intolerable - they feel like an inescapable pain that can cause stress-induced psychosis due to the feeling of permanency and lack of viable solutions.
This psychosis makes the person very disoriented to reality and trying to "convince them" that everything will be alright simply does not work.
Psychosis also includes mental confusion, hallucinations, temporary disruption in motor skills, speech impairment, delayed or impaired audio/visual processing, memory loss, time blindness and can accompany physiological symptoms of severe stress due to nervous system arousal like increased heart rate, sweating, rapid breathing, temperature increase or decrease, muscle tension, visible veins, pupil dialation, shaking, convulsing or sudden freezing/seizing. All of these are signs that the BPD person is having a crisis and needs immediate help.
It's important to take precautions for the worse case scenario in order to protect the individual and anyone nearby. Every crisis should be taken seriously because this is when it can become harmful for them or the people who love them. Repeated crisis can lead to suicide.
Many episodes end in self harm. Sometimes it can escalate to aggression, but not every person with BPD becomes physical. Many suffer internally, quietly, or privately.
At the very least, a traumatized person with BPD who is directly facing a trigger like perceived abandonment can lead to verbal defensiveness toward their loved one which may look like lashing out, saying things they don't mean, and attacking in order to protect themselves from whatever is causing emotional harm.
Obviously this can lead to damage in relationships long term, which negatively impact their livelihood and wellbeing long after the crisis is over, creating more shame and reasons to spiral/become anxious in relationships.
Attachments and connections are a very vulnerable thing for people with BPD because of the severity and intensity perceived abandonment can cause and the thought of losing them can be enough to trigger a crisis.
Losing a favorite person for a borderline is not just a sad love story or meme-worthy content (both are true) but the reality is, it can become a real medical emergency.
And I want to casually remind everyone that this is NOT their choice, intentionally, or a controlled manipulation by any means.
It is the by-product of a traumatized person who has been highly sensitive since birth. (Personality disorders are lifelong traits since childhood, which make it different from just cPTSD by itself that can happen at any age.)
Playing with anyone's feelings is not a joke, but when that person has BPD, what seems like "everyday business" for some might be a matter of life and death for the borderline.
PTSD is a recognized disability, and BPD is essentially relationship/attachment PTSD personified. (There are other manifestations independent of relationships, but this is one of the hallmarks as to what makes BPD what it is.)
I raise awareness for BPD to help protect, defend and avoid retraumatization of an already vulnerable community of folks by making it crystal clear that these symptoms & behaviors are not a light matter for others to mess around with, they're never a choice, and if people knew what they were getting into and can't handle it - then they shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place.
It's unfair to the BPD person who doesn't have a choice in how sensitive they are to potential triggers, and sadly are also at risk for their positive traits (like loving deeply, being passionately invested, and having high amounts of infectious energy) being exploited by people who don't take the bad with the good seriously.
You deserve to be around people who make you feel safe, supported, and committed. It IS that deep. And if you deserve to be surrounded by compassionate individuals who understand and won't judge you for it. And I believe that you deserve someone who will stick around forever and mean it when they say they aren't leaving. That's the community I aim to build for us all.
"To be loved is to be worth the inconvenience"
A Borderline’s Pain
A Borderline's pain cannot be understated.
Endings are not mutual agreements with well-wishes. They are deaths. Usually with claw marks on them, and stains from tears and blood. And the dark, cold feeling that the other person doesn't even care.
Betrayal is not merely a "hit to the ego", an insult, or even just hurt feelings. It is MURDER by someone we TRUSTED AND BELIEVED IN.
Abandonment is not viewed from a place of "their loss" or merely just separation grief, it's knowing you were a choice and they ultimately chose something or someone else over you, degrading you by comparison, in the end you weren't good enough, despite your best effort, despite how hard you worked, despite how much love you gave, and despite how much you believed and prayed for it to work out this time. Not only injury but insult, to be left with nothing but pain.
Neglect is not just "they forgot about me" it's making every possible bid for connection or intimacy, and being shut down or discouraged each time, feeling rejected, and deprived of real human connection, an essential ingredient to maintaining love, and a basic need that EVERY mammal needs to survive and be happy. Neglect leads to death and misery.
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Feelings of hurt and betrayal for a person with BPD aren't just "minor inconveniences in the day that come and go" they can be catastrophic events that impact the whole body for days, or weeks, or months or YEARS. In addition to fatigue and loss of energy it can cause physiological symptoms like: nausea, racing heart, shortness of breath, muscle tension, shaking, sweating, clenching jaw/hands/feet, alongside racing thoughts, visions, gut feelings, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, violent thoughts, thoughts of hurting self, thoughts of hurting others
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AND NOBODY HAS TIME TO BE HEALING FROM ALL THAT WHEN WE NEED OUR ENERGY FOR SURVIVAL LIKE WORK AND FOOD. IF IT IS NOT HELPING YOU SURVIVE, IT IS HELPING YOU REMEMBER THAT!
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These episodes of grief and pain can impact the ability for day-to-day functioning, but can escalate or induce the EVER-SO-FAMOUS BPD SPLIT. Once a Split occurs, there is nothing that can be done but prioritize SAFETY (and be educated about split behaviors so you're not surprised.
ONCE YOU LEARN THEM, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND *WHY* RECOVERY FOR BPD REQUIRES A STRICT NO-TRIGGER LIFESTYLE!)
Episodes can be exacerbated or lengthened due to exposure to triggers and/or associations to traumatic or painful memories and events.
Symptoms and behaviors may increase in severity and frequency when a triggering event occurs. (Provoking behaviors is NOT ADVISED.)
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The roots of all splits are the pain from having to endure yet another heartbreak.... all we want is a break from suffering in love, to stop having to brace for it, for once to feel safe...
"How much longer do I have to endure this? When will this pattern end?
Where is God?"
Sorrows of BPD
People with BPD don't mean to be this way. None of this is intentional. NONE OF IT. If we could choose to change, we would. And many of us do... but there's going to be times when we slip, make mistakes, revert back into our old ways, and then when we see the inevitable destruction it causes (people wanting to give up on us, walk away, throw in the towel etc...)
Of course we immediately take it out on ourselves. "How could I do this again? Why can't I just be better? Why can't I ever escape this cycle?" without realizing how much progress we actually HAVE made in comparison to our past.
We tend to forget the good things. We tend to spiral when it goes south. We then want to hide, run away, conceal our shame for our perceived failures not just in other's eyes but even in our own.
We know we're not always easy. We know we're not always fun. We are begging for another chance. We are begging for a do-over. We'd do anything to somehow prove to the people we love that we really don't mean the inconvenience we cause or the burden that falls on others shoulders because we need help.
We need someone to believe in us. We need someone who can be strong when we're weak... and honestly, we know that we are "weak" more often than we should be. We wish we could erase the damage. We wish we could wave a magic wand and make everyone "forget" about our mistakes and just start over with a clean slate.
But even when we do get that clean slate, we're often so... so... SO tired of having to start all over from the ground up. And that's when there's the burnout. The exhaustion. The surrender. The "if it always ends up this way, why even try?" And then cue another spiral. Another shame episode. Another self destructive habit.
I want you to know that if this is you, you still matter in this world. You still deserve love. You still deserve peace. You still deserve all the things others seemingly get with little to no effort. You deserve to be given another chance. You also deserve grace when you mess up, when you relapse even a little bit - you deserve to not have to feel like you need to be "perfect" in order to hold onto the very few and far between good things that so rarely come around in this world.
Your voice still matters. Your presence still matters. You still provide value to this world even if all you're doing is simply existing and can barely get out of bed. Why? If for no other reason, because you make others feel less alone.
You make those who are suffering and struggling and sick have representation in this world that is designed and packaged only for those who can be "chill and calm and nonchalant." Together, we are a community even if we're alone in our bedrooms reading this on a screen.
So if there's no other reason to stay alive and fight, do it for the ones who don't even know how many there are of us yet. Do it for the ones who think they're alone and that no one understands. Yeah we may not be perfect, but there's so many of us who are also imperfect and yet find a way to get up and live another day.
That counts for something. YOU count for something. And for me, even if that's just a stranger on the other side of a screen I've never met but can read these words and know exactly what I'm saying... you matter to me. You gave these words meaning.
Stay strong friends. you're never alone.
Sensitive One
Your sensitivity is a gift from God in an insensitive world. It's what makes you rare. It's what makes you beautiful. It's what separates you from the rest. It's what breathes life into what was once dead. Please don't run, please don't hide your big heart. The world needs it. The world needs you.
All material things will one day rot, rust, decay, turn into dust at any moment... but LOVE... LOVE MOVES MOUNTAINS
And it is in your sensitivity and softness that allows LOVE to POUR THROUGH YOU INTO THIS WORLD.
I believe it. I need you to, too.
Signed,
An eternal poet
Fear Of Abandonment
Fear of Abandonment in BPD will turn you into someone you don't even know.
It creates an urgency to abandon YOURSELF in order to "keep" someone in your life - even if that means betraying your own values, goals, dreams, and silencing your true voice to appear as "perfect" as possible for them, so as to never ruffle a feather or cause a disagreement, and risk rejection...
because any little moment of not being perfectly compatible feels like a mini-separation which leads to the urgency to automatically agree/comply to tighten the bond again and attain security (this is called a Fawn trauma response) but at the same time, it forces you to deny your own needs and erodes your sense of self in order to satisfy them, their needs, desires, goals, values, etc.
And the worst part is, if they decide to leave, end up ghosting you, and abandoning you anyway - you will have betrayed and abandoned YOURSELF for NOTHING. Left with an empty shell, full of shame, knowing that you violated your own boundaries and sometimes even your moral codes just to be "cooperative" for someone who was probably not good for you to begin with.
But when you are so used to feeling and being alone for such a long time, that one moment of connection can become addicting, and suddenly you want to do anything you can to keep it - even if it means abandoning yourself and the values that define who you are.
(Please remember; for "healthy" neurotypical folks, they would leave at this point, they'd say "this isn't the relationship I signed up for" and end things without second guessing themselves. But people with BPD have a hard time advocating for themselves because they learned at an early age their needs were not important, that they were a burden, that even existing and being alive meant inconveniencing the family/parents and so rather than having a healthy foundation of self esteem and confidence to set boundaries, they settle for barely even breadcrumbs --- because they don't even believe they deserve anything at all. BPD is often comorbid with severe depression or Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) which can lead to self harm behaviors and suicide ideation, two diagnostic criteria for BPD.)
This obviously creates a high risk factor in relationships for people with BPD because without a safe and healthy partner who genuinely wants the best for them, it can become dangerous for the borderline. Without a strong sense of boundaries, changing yourself in order to "keep" someone in your life can seriously damage your mental health but also lead you down roads you never intended to go.
There are of course limits and compromises that are normal and healthy in functional relationships - but when we are talking BPD, we are usually talking extremes. And if there's been any deception involved from the other party, like during the initial lovebombing phase with future faking and masquerading and charismatic charm with all sorts of lies about who the person's character REALLY is --- the borderline can get seriously deceived and over time slowly have to bend more boundaries, break more "rules" and "be okay" with more things that deep down, they're really not okay with... but if the bond has deepened at that point, if enough time has passed, it can feel like a lot more to "lose" than if they stood up for themselves and backed out after the 20th red flag.
This is why you may see, at a breaking point, the borderline may have an absolute crash-out and completely push the other person away --- after having silenced their own needs for such a long time and realizing they're getting completely drained --- and the explosion is actually the borderline's "way out" of the relationship that ended up costing them too much of what little self respect or identity they even had to begin with...
It's not the ideal healthy way to discuss or end things, but after being conditioned to be silent and people-please for most of their lives, this is one behavior whose function is an attempt to get out of something toxic and unhealthy, and it does hurt...
this pain is something people tend to avoid or deny temporarily, but for people with BPD who can feel everything oh so sensitively, it can almost never be ignored. The ideal scenario: learning how to end/exit toxic and unhealthy relationships peacefully and with grace, and then have healthy coping mechanisms afterwards to deal with the pain that is a cumulation of not only the separation from the partner, but the separation from the self during the relationship --- and the gradual return to a stable identity and self concept.
Sound like a lot? Ha, imagine living with it. Then imagine the suffering of going through it over and over and over until you are forced into a "Functional Freeze" state, where you become afraid of connecting to anyone at all for years, only to realize THAT'S no way to live EITHER, so you must somehow FORCE yourself OUT of being frozen and dare to open back UP! --- which means dealing with all the raw emotions and raw fears of being vulnerable to the unknown outcomes of connecting to someone who may or may not be like all the others...
What do you do!?!!?!
BOUNDARIES!!!!! Learn them, set them, keep them!!!! Boundaries are not just to keep the wrong people out, they are to protect YOU.
Boundaries do not JUST keep the WRONG people out, they PROTECT YOU.
Hey, boundaries aren't just for keeping the wrong people out..,,,,,, THEYRE FOR PROTECTING YOU:
1. you're allowed to have boundaries
2. It's okay to have boundaries
3. It's a good thing that you have boundaries
4. You deserve to have boundaries
5. You're worth protecting
6. There's something about you that's worth protecting with boundaries
7. You won't get in trouble for setting boundaries
8. If you're in trouble for setting boundaries that means the boundaries are for that person
9. If someone leaves you because of your boundaries that means the boundaries are doing their job
10. It's okay to have deal-breakers that serve as boundaries for what you will/will not accept and what you can/cannot do
11. You're allowed to say "I don't like this" and that counts as a boundary
12. You can say "this isn't good for me anymore" and request change as part of your boundaries
13. You're allowed to speak up for yourself which is neccessary to do to set a boundary
14. If a relationship is repeatedly crossing your boundary, it's okay for you to leave it
15. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual, or even spiritual
16. People who love you will respect your boundaries
Oh, and boundaries require consequences if violated, that's what makes them a boundary and not an option!
Work on building YOUR OWN IDENTITY. Who are YOU without the influence of another person??? What do you value? What do you like? What makes you happy? What makes you feel like you? What makes you shine? What makes you light up inside? What do you consider fun?
... when you have the answers to all these questions, you are on your way to being your own distinct person who doesn't need another person to "complete" you and thus you won't feel the need to mold/change yourself just to keep them from leaving/abandoning you. Have your own life and sense of self that you can "come home to" with or without the presence of another person. Developing core values is a great way to understand yourself and what you stand for that really define who you are.
Practice advocating for your own needs in your current (healthy) relationships. Practice saying no, practice saying stop, practice making suggestions and then both of you following through with them, practice having an opinion that is different from others and sticking with it even if you're the only one who feels that way. All of this is practice on how to NOT abandon yourself, so that when a new relationship comes along, you won't automatically revert back to the disappearing-act in order to make yourself more palatable/"likable" so that they'll stay. Learn how to just be you and love you and that will show you who really loves YOU for YOU!!!! (Scary, I know YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!)
Living, Loving, and Learning Together!!!!
With love,
Liz
