Tips To Prevent Harm While Splitting
People with BPD struggle in relationships, including friendships. It's actually one of the main criteria in the DSM-V clinicians look for in order to be diagnosed (meeting 5/9 symptoms): "unstable relationships due to idealization/devaluation (also known as Splitting)" but one thing for sure is that this happens as a result of many factors, mostly trauma, and it's almost NEVER intentional or planned.
BPD gets a really bad rep because of Splitting, and there's no doubt it's one of the hardest symptoms to live with because of how detrimental it can be in relationships with people you truly love and care about deep down. One day you're in love... the next you feel like you're fighting for your life against your biggest opp.
I want to reiterate again that this is NOT an intentional manipulation or planned out punishment with pre-cognitive motives or objectives (aka revenge/retaliation). It's almost ALWAYS reactionary to a trigger that caused the BPD brain to shift from feeling safe and happy to suddenly feeling unsafe, unloved, and uncared for, and the nervous system goes into fight ("I have to defend myself") or flight ("I have to get away from this person/push them away first")
In my experience, Splitting feels a lot like psychosis, because of how sudden and extreme the shift in reality and understanding of the people in your life change. What helps me is remembering that psychotic episodes are TEMPORARY, so I become EXTREMELY mindful to not make PERMANENT decisions in this state.
People with BPD are often aware of this problem and in my experience, are often willing to take accountability and seek help for it. This is one of the reasons I advocate and believe in people with BPD that WANT to Recover, because it takes a lot of courage and maturity to acknowledge... and it IS possible to heal and improve this symptom with a lot of work and consistent effort.
That's not to say your feelings aren't valid or justified either, though. Many times the reasons we Split are because of some kind of wound/rupture in the relationship that made you question this person's trustworthiness or intentions. Many times this might be a miscommunication that never got addressed or it triggered a fear of repeating cycles that previously ended in great pain, and the trauma develops hypervigilance to even the smallest resemblance of the worst case scenario.
BPD is a trauma-related disorder (it can be neurochemical or comorbid with other diagnosis that exacerbate symptoms) so the person's relationship history may involve previous abuse, domestic violence, childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and more... which means these triggers open up landmines that rooted way before you even knew the person.
This is why it's important to get in therapy/do the independent work to get to the bottom of why it keeps happening so you can truly process the pain safely without harming someone who didn't contribute to it.
While we may not be able to control when we Split, we ABSOLUTELY can learn to control WHAT WE DO WHILE splitting, to avoid further damage or losing the person we care about.
**** Tips to Prevent Harm while Splitting ****
1. Recognize it when it happens: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you notice a shift, DONT JUDGE YOURSELF, simply OBSERVE the shift and write it down. Keeping a journal is a great way to track your moods and thoughts. The more you journal, the easier it will be to recognize your own patterns.
When those black and white thoughts start popping up, you know you may be entering a Split, and self awareness at this stage can help prevent destructive behaviors that usually follow intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings.
2. Acknowledge the urges: BPD is a condition of "extremes" that means the urges that appear while Splitting might match the level of rage, hurt, pain or perceived betrayal. These urges can look and feel violent, when the brain is overloaded with stress and you go into "Reptilian brain" mode the prefrontal cortex is temporarily shut off - and survival mode is on: so it can feel like life or death, with urges to match.
Whatever you do, do NOT act on these urges. Whether those urges are to hurt yourself, hurt others, cause property damage, engage in risky behaviors, impulsive and unsafe behaviors... ACKNOWLEDGE that you feel them, do NOT shame yourself, your body is responding as if your life is in danger and feels there's no other option. Sitting with the awareness of it is the first step in managing it.
3. Release the energy constructively: cry, scream, lay in bed for days, go for a walk, throw sticks in the woods, throw rocks in a lake, chop wood... whatever you have to do to get that energy out rather than store it up. Write, create art, sing, play an instrument, listen to music, watch a movie that matches your urges (sometimes watching someone ELSE act it out can be a cathartic release) and talk to someone safe who won't judge you or shame you.
4. When the extreme feelings go away, (and they WILL because ALL feelings are temporary!) Then, it's time to "Evaluate the Environment" to look for ways it can be prevented or managed better for you
* Vulnerability Factors (these are factors that make you more likely to get triggered)
- are you getting enough sleep?
- are you getting the nutrients and vitamins you need from a healthy diet?
- do you have financial stress?
- do you have obligations or responsibilities that feel too big or overwhelming but may be neglected and looming in the background?
- are you getting enough fresh air and sunshine?
- when was the last time you laughed genuinely or had fun? Do you feel safe with anyone who may be able to join you?
- are you under work or family stress?
- are you taking your medication as prescribed?
These factors can impact your "vulnerability" to triggers and addressing them one by one may help you feel more stable day to day.
* Triggers (these are the specific events that directly preceded the Split)
- make a list of everything that you KNOW triggers you
- keep track of how many times this trigger is popping up in your life. Triggers can be ANYTHING, and are unique to the individual/relationship. If your specific triggers are manifesting or popping up in 10+ different forms, I no longer consider them "triggers" anymore, I actually call them "Hauntings" because it feels like a malicious entity is tracking you down and trying to hurt you on purpose. When a trigger becomes a "Haunting", it can lead to more serious psychosis and should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
- what can you or the other person do to reduce exposure to these triggers?
* Urges (be honest with yourself about what you normally do in response to a trigger or a haunting.)
- sit down and write out all of your urges. Notice any patterns that pop up. They almost always follow a pattern like clockwork.
- be honest about how acting on these urges provide you relief. Even harmful behaviors have a "payoff" and that's why we keep doing them.
* Consider the Cost (the short and long term consequences of acting on the urge)
- now look at what acting on the urge is going to cost you. If you have a pattern, you probably know how it will turn out, and it almost always ends in regret. It can be super difficult to resist the urge when the immediate payoff is relief, but the long term consequence is harm. Doing this exercise will help train your brain to be more mindful of the moment, and resist the instant gratification of impulsive harmful urges.
5. Communication (how we handle the conversation and reach resolution)
- it's important to learn how to communicate our needs/feelings when rupture occurs so that we don't sweep it under the rug lest it build up over time and explodes later. "I think, I feel, I need" rather than "You did, You didn't, You are" statements. Try to avoid blaming or accusations, and focus more on what YOUR needs are when communicating. If the other person cares about you and values the relationship/friendship, they will work with you and together you can begin to Repair.
6. Surrender & Detachment (for YOUR benefit)
- The hardest part is not hanging on to the pain or narratives that form while Splitting. Many times we worry so much about things we can't control anyway, and surrendering to this fact helps prevent neurotic or psychotic impulses to control things beyond our own boundaries. Detaching from painful narratives that don't serve you help you keep peace of mind and semblance of control.
7. Self Care (what can you do for yourself?)
- remember that you are worthy of love and care no matter how big your feelings are or how intense those urges can be. You are still a person who deserves to feel loved and cared for, and that starts with how you treat yourself. What can you do for yourself today that will make your life a little bit less stressful or more comfortable? Every single self care behavior counts, no matter how big or small.
Of course none of this is easy and it takes time to get in the habit of doing. But the end goal for ALL people with BPD is to learn how to maintain healthy relationships and avoid abandonment/self betrayal. Remember that your diagnosis is not a life sentence and you DONT have to keep repeating patterns forever.
You are worthy of love and safety and you can learn how to be a loving/safe presence for the people who love you too. No matter how hard it gets, never stop trying, always keep faith that it will get better, and take care of yourself when you need it. I believe in you and you're not alone.