Fear Of Abandonment
Fear of Abandonment in BPD will turn you into someone you don't even know.
It creates an urgency to abandon YOURSELF in order to "keep" someone in your life - even if that means betraying your own values, goals, dreams, and silencing your true voice to appear as "perfect" as possible for them, so as to never ruffle a feather or cause a disagreement, and risk rejection...
because any little moment of not being perfectly compatible feels like a mini-separation which leads to the urgency to automatically agree/comply to tighten the bond again and attain security (this is called a Fawn trauma response) but at the same time, it forces you to deny your own needs and erodes your sense of self in order to satisfy them, their needs, desires, goals, values, etc.
And the worst part is, if they decide to leave, end up ghosting you, and abandoning you anyway - you will have betrayed and abandoned YOURSELF for NOTHING. Left with an empty shell, full of shame, knowing that you violated your own boundaries and sometimes even your moral codes just to be "cooperative" for someone who was probably not good for you to begin with.
But when you are so used to feeling and being alone for such a long time, that one moment of connection can become addicting, and suddenly you want to do anything you can to keep it - even if it means abandoning yourself and the values that define who you are.
(Please remember; for "healthy" neurotypical folks, they would leave at this point, they'd say "this isn't the relationship I signed up for" and end things without second guessing themselves. But people with BPD have a hard time advocating for themselves because they learned at an early age their needs were not important, that they were a burden, that even existing and being alive meant inconveniencing the family/parents and so rather than having a healthy foundation of self esteem and confidence to set boundaries, they settle for barely even breadcrumbs --- because they don't even believe they deserve anything at all. BPD is often comorbid with severe depression or Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) which can lead to self harm behaviors and suicide ideation, two diagnostic criteria for BPD.)
This obviously creates a high risk factor in relationships for people with BPD because without a safe and healthy partner who genuinely wants the best for them, it can become dangerous for the borderline. Without a strong sense of boundaries, changing yourself in order to "keep" someone in your life can seriously damage your mental health but also lead you down roads you never intended to go.
There are of course limits and compromises that are normal and healthy in functional relationships - but when we are talking BPD, we are usually talking extremes. And if there's been any deception involved from the other party, like during the initial lovebombing phase with future faking and masquerading and charismatic charm with all sorts of lies about who the person's character REALLY is --- the borderline can get seriously deceived and over time slowly have to bend more boundaries, break more "rules" and "be okay" with more things that deep down, they're really not okay with... but if the bond has deepened at that point, if enough time has passed, it can feel like a lot more to "lose" than if they stood up for themselves and backed out after the 20th red flag.
This is why you may see, at a breaking point, the borderline may have an absolute crash-out and completely push the other person away --- after having silenced their own needs for such a long time and realizing they're getting completely drained --- and the explosion is actually the borderline's "way out" of the relationship that ended up costing them too much of what little self respect or identity they even had to begin with...
It's not the ideal healthy way to discuss or end things, but after being conditioned to be silent and people-please for most of their lives, this is one behavior whose function is an attempt to get out of something toxic and unhealthy, and it does hurt...
this pain is something people tend to avoid or deny temporarily, but for people with BPD who can feel everything oh so sensitively, it can almost never be ignored. The ideal scenario: learning how to end/exit toxic and unhealthy relationships peacefully and with grace, and then have healthy coping mechanisms afterwards to deal with the pain that is a cumulation of not only the separation from the partner, but the separation from the self during the relationship --- and the gradual return to a stable identity and self concept.
Sound like a lot? Ha, imagine living with it. Then imagine the suffering of going through it over and over and over until you are forced into a "Functional Freeze" state, where you become afraid of connecting to anyone at all for years, only to realize THAT'S no way to live EITHER, so you must somehow FORCE yourself OUT of being frozen and dare to open back UP! --- which means dealing with all the raw emotions and raw fears of being vulnerable to the unknown outcomes of connecting to someone who may or may not be like all the others...
What do you do!?!!?!
BOUNDARIES!!!!! Learn them, set them, keep them!!!! Boundaries are not just to keep the wrong people out, they are to protect YOU.
Boundaries do not JUST keep the WRONG people out, they PROTECT YOU.
Hey, boundaries aren't just for keeping the wrong people out..,,,,,, THEYRE FOR PROTECTING YOU:
1. you're allowed to have boundaries
2. It's okay to have boundaries
3. It's a good thing that you have boundaries
4. You deserve to have boundaries
5. You're worth protecting
6. There's something about you that's worth protecting with boundaries
7. You won't get in trouble for setting boundaries
8. If you're in trouble for setting boundaries that means the boundaries are for that person
9. If someone leaves you because of your boundaries that means the boundaries are doing their job
10. It's okay to have deal-breakers that serve as boundaries for what you will/will not accept and what you can/cannot do
11. You're allowed to say "I don't like this" and that counts as a boundary
12. You can say "this isn't good for me anymore" and request change as part of your boundaries
13. You're allowed to speak up for yourself which is neccessary to do to set a boundary
14. If a relationship is repeatedly crossing your boundary, it's okay for you to leave it
15. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual, or even spiritual
16. People who love you will respect your boundaries
Oh, and boundaries require consequences if violated, that's what makes them a boundary and not an option!
Work on building YOUR OWN IDENTITY. Who are YOU without the influence of another person??? What do you value? What do you like? What makes you happy? What makes you feel like you? What makes you shine? What makes you light up inside? What do you consider fun?
... when you have the answers to all these questions, you are on your way to being your own distinct person who doesn't need another person to "complete" you and thus you won't feel the need to mold/change yourself just to keep them from leaving/abandoning you. Have your own life and sense of self that you can "come home to" with or without the presence of another person. Developing core values is a great way to understand yourself and what you stand for that really define who you are.
Practice advocating for your own needs in your current (healthy) relationships. Practice saying no, practice saying stop, practice making suggestions and then both of you following through with them, practice having an opinion that is different from others and sticking with it even if you're the only one who feels that way. All of this is practice on how to NOT abandon yourself, so that when a new relationship comes along, you won't automatically revert back to the disappearing-act in order to make yourself more palatable/"likable" so that they'll stay. Learn how to just be you and love you and that will show you who really loves YOU for YOU!!!! (Scary, I know YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!)
Living, Loving, and Learning Together!!!!
With love,
Liz
