The BPD Paradox
This is the most accurate BPD description I've seen online. Let's unpack what each of these things mean, and talk about how to solve them:
"It's a disorder that craves love, but it doesn't understand the meaning of mature love."
First; I want to point out that there is NOTHING pathologically dysfunctional about this. EVERYONE wants love, but many people with BPD grew up without a strong understanding or concept about what "healthy love" is. Love is the epitome of all that is GOOD and LIFE-GIVING: Healthy/Mature love is Patient in times of trouble or great need, Compassionate when you need help or reassurance, Kind when it's easier to be mean, Celebrates your victories without envy or jealousy, Supportive and willing to extend effort and energy, and Laughs with you, Cries with you when you need empathy, and Encourages you when you forget all the good qualities and potential that lives deep inside you. Every person needs this, we are communal beings who thrive best in community. No person should have to go through this life alone.
"It's a disorder that seeks relationships, but it doesn't grasp the dynamics and limits of healthy relationships."
This is because of the lack of healthy relationships they witnessed and experienced as children. When we don't have a model of what healthy relationships truly look like, it forms a belief that "this is normal for everyone" and then go through life repeating the maladaptive behaviors and negative beliefs that continue to repeat until someone comes along and breaks the schema that was deeply embedded in their subconscious. This requires challenging what you think you know about relationships, allowing yourself to be teachable and open to a new way of relating to others. The key to mastering this is to becoming more adaptable and flexible in your thinking. "The ones who survive under challenging conditions are the ones who adapt."
"It's a disorder that yearns for proximity, but it doesn't trust the sincerity of anyone who gets too close."
This might be obvious, but it's because of that subconscious introject that developed because the people who were closest to them ACTUALLY WERE NOT safe, trustworthy, or loving toward them. So the person learns that people are "unsafe" and while they crave for love and connection, they also have a deep fear that it's going to turn out just like everyone else - resulting in a MAJOR cognitive dissonance of wanting love but being deeply afraid of being betrayed, abandoned, and abused by it. Because they haven't developed trust or faith in other humans, the person may begin to hate themselves for wanting something that is so normal and neccessary for survival. They may want to abandon themselves and everything that makes them human, as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. The consequence of this is even more lonliness.
"It's a disorder that begs others to experience its suffering, but it cannot see that this is the very reason why it continues to suffer."
The deep lonliness of keeping people at arm's length while still yearning for connection may result in seeking connections through unhealthy means, bonding over shared trauma responses and numbing the pain with self destructive behaviors. Since the introject of Healthy Love hasn't developed, the only way of connection becomes Unhealthy Love - so they may feel more comfortable in chaos and abuse because it's familiar. They may gravitate towards people who confirm their negative beliefs about themselves/the world because it won't challenge them; but challenging these beliefs are neccessary in order to experience Healthy Love. Challenging beliefs is a very long journey that will be full of discomfort, but you HAVE to leave your comfort zone in order to break through to the other side. "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
"It's a disorder that desperately seeks liberation from the outside, but it doesn't realize that transformation comes from within."
Because of the lack of support and encouragement that should have developed in childhood. When your childhood/early teen experiences are full of invalidation, it creates self doubt. Doubting yourself and then having those negative beliefs confirmed is how people begin to abandon themselves. But ONLY YOU can change this. It requires reconnecting to yourself, your heart, your soul, and learning how to be YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. At some point you have to stand up and say "this is MY life, and MY life matters" and do the work to challenge the negative beliefs that have been holding you in cycles of self sabotage and self hate. No one else can ever do this for you. You deserve a safe community of supportive people who will be there for you while you learn how to get back on your feet and empower yourself, without becoming envious of you taking your power back. Stay away from ALL narcissistic individuals because this is something they will never be able to do for you.
"It's an existential insecurity that cannot believe in the power of accepting itself, because it was not accepted when it began."
Re-iteration of everything I said above ^
"It's an anachronism searching for an idealized form of attachment."
This is because they're looking for an unconditional love that will witness them and all their flaws, and still never leave. If you're surrounded by toxic, selfish individuals who see your needs as a burden, this desire can never be fulfilled. Wanting and hoping and yearning for a savior to rescue them from repeated patterns of abandonment is completely natural. No one wants this. When you can't find it in other people, my friends, I cannot sugar coat this truth: this is when you can only run to GOD who will "Never leave you nor forsake you." What humans cannot do, GOD CAN. This is WHY people cling to their Faith when everything on the outside seems like it is in turmoil. Developing Faith in a higher power is a cognitive skill that will keep you strong even when your circumstances look bleak.
"It's desire without a solution, and loneliness without resolution."
We need public advocates for healing and encouragement because AWARENESS IS THE SOLUTION. You can't know what you're not exposed to - so speaking up about solutions, helping each other through understanding, and inspiring people to lead with faith is how we can provide solutions to those who are suffering silently that may not have access to therapy or money for expensive life coaches. Social Media can be an amazing tool to reach a large audience of people and deliver messages they may not have ever heard from anyone in their life.
"It's pain and terror cloaked in a bouquet of artificial flowers."
The pain will end. The terror does not have to last forever. One day, when you have escaped harmful environments, and you set firm boundaries with toxic people, go NO CONTACT with ALL of your abusers, you can create enough distance for your heart, mind and soul and discover exactly what your soul always needed - PEACE. Peace is the result of being safe from harm or threat, and that includes harmful beliefs that live in your own mind.
It takes TIME, these are solutions that DO NOT happen overnight - but they are POSSIBLE if you KEEP TRYING, NEVER GIVE UP, and NEVER SURRENDER to pain. You are worth loving, you are worth fighting for, and you are WORTHY OF A LIFE OF PEACE. Keep hoping, keep searching, and you will find it. And I will never stop speaking up until this message goes worldwide