Sorrows of BPD
People with BPD don't mean to be this way. None of this is intentional. NONE OF IT. If we could choose to change, we would. And many of us do... but there's going to be times when we slip, make mistakes, revert back into our old ways, and then when we see the inevitable destruction it causes (people wanting to give up on us, walk away, throw in the towel etc...)
Of course we immediately take it out on ourselves. "How could I do this again? Why can't I just be better? Why can't I ever escape this cycle?" without realizing how much progress we actually HAVE made in comparison to our past.
We tend to forget the good things. We tend to spiral when it goes south. We then want to hide, run away, conceal our shame for our perceived failures not just in other's eyes but even in our own.
We know we're not always easy. We know we're not always fun. We are begging for another chance. We are begging for a do-over. We'd do anything to somehow prove to the people we love that we really don't mean the inconvenience we cause or the burden that falls on others shoulders because we need help.
We need someone to believe in us. We need someone who can be strong when we're weak... and honestly, we know that we are "weak" more often than we should be. We wish we could erase the damage. We wish we could wave a magic wand and make everyone "forget" about our mistakes and just start over with a clean slate.
But even when we do get that clean slate, we're often so... so... SO tired of having to start all over from the ground up. And that's when there's the burnout. The exhaustion. The surrender. The "if it always ends up this way, why even try?" And then cue another spiral. Another shame episode. Another self destructive habit.
I want you to know that if this is you, you still matter in this world. You still deserve love. You still deserve peace. You still deserve all the things others seemingly get with little to no effort. You deserve to be given another chance. You also deserve grace when you mess up, when you relapse even a little bit - you deserve to not have to feel like you need to be "perfect" in order to hold onto the very few and far between good things that so rarely come around in this world.
Your voice still matters. Your presence still matters. You still provide value to this world even if all you're doing is simply existing and can barely get out of bed. Why? If for no other reason, because you make others feel less alone.
You make those who are suffering and struggling and sick have representation in this world that is designed and packaged only for those who can be "chill and calm and nonchalant." Together, we are a community even if we're alone in our bedrooms reading this on a screen.
So if there's no other reason to stay alive and fight, do it for the ones who don't even know how many there are of us yet. Do it for the ones who think they're alone and that no one understands. Yeah we may not be perfect, but there's so many of us who are also imperfect and yet find a way to get up and live another day.
That counts for something. YOU count for something. And for me, even if that's just a stranger on the other side of a screen I've never met but can read these words and know exactly what I'm saying... you matter to me. You gave these words meaning.
Stay strong friends. you're never alone.