A Borderline’s Pain
A Borderline's pain cannot be understated.
Endings are not mutual agreements with well-wishes. They are deaths. Usually with claw marks on them, and stains from tears and blood. And the dark, cold feeling that the other person doesn't even care.
Betrayal is not merely a "hit to the ego", an insult, or even just hurt feelings. It is MURDER by someone we TRUSTED AND BELIEVED IN.
Abandonment is not viewed from a place of "their loss" or merely just separation grief, it's knowing you were a choice and they ultimately chose something or someone else over you, degrading you by comparison, in the end you weren't good enough, despite your best effort, despite how hard you worked, despite how much love you gave, and despite how much you believed and prayed for it to work out this time. Not only injury but insult, to be left with nothing but pain.
Neglect is not just "they forgot about me" it's making every possible bid for connection or intimacy, and being shut down or discouraged each time, feeling rejected, and deprived of real human connection, an essential ingredient to maintaining love, and a basic need that EVERY mammal needs to survive and be happy. Neglect leads to death and misery.
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Feelings of hurt and betrayal for a person with BPD aren't just "minor inconveniences in the day that come and go" they can be catastrophic events that impact the whole body for days, or weeks, or months or YEARS. In addition to fatigue and loss of energy it can cause physiological symptoms like: nausea, racing heart, shortness of breath, muscle tension, shaking, sweating, clenching jaw/hands/feet, alongside racing thoughts, visions, gut feelings, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, violent thoughts, thoughts of hurting self, thoughts of hurting others
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AND NOBODY HAS TIME TO BE HEALING FROM ALL THAT WHEN WE NEED OUR ENERGY FOR SURVIVAL LIKE WORK AND FOOD. IF IT IS NOT HELPING YOU SURVIVE, IT IS HELPING YOU REMEMBER THAT!
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These episodes of grief and pain can impact the ability for day-to-day functioning, but can escalate or induce the EVER-SO-FAMOUS BPD SPLIT. Once a Split occurs, there is nothing that can be done but prioritize SAFETY (and be educated about split behaviors so you're not surprised.
ONCE YOU LEARN THEM, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND *WHY* RECOVERY FOR BPD REQUIRES A STRICT NO-TRIGGER LIFESTYLE!)
Episodes can be exacerbated or lengthened due to exposure to triggers and/or associations to traumatic or painful memories and events.
Symptoms and behaviors may increase in severity and frequency when a triggering event occurs. (Provoking behaviors is NOT ADVISED.)
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The roots of all splits are the pain from having to endure yet another heartbreak.... all we want is a break from suffering in love, to stop having to brace for it, for once to feel safe...
"How much longer do I have to endure this? When will this pattern end?
Where is God?"